January 6 1988

A significant day in the life
and course of history
of a family.

It was snowy and the ride back from Northport
was slow and ominous.

Walking up the steps to the apartment
I had a bad feeling about the note that was taped to the door.

Each message became progressively
worse
and urgent as the following
days
passed.

Almost 10 years of separation
between a daughter and her father
was almost going to end in a joyful trip
to support him on his recovery.

She never had a chance to say goodbye--
not in a way that he could hear

or one that she could see a reaction.

For all the spirituality
and optimism
that has always been engraved in your
head
of an afterlife
and paradise
and eternal life

it is a cold hard reality
when it finally comes.

but his death
had more
earthly
attainable
tangible rewards.

It changed the lives
of an 18-year-old
and a 13-year-old
in ways
unanticipated
and
unimaginable.

To that point
I was headed in a wrong direction
satisfied only with temporal things:
instant gratification, living someone else's life
following the herd without a hint
of humility and originality.

I was even hesitant to go--
when I arrived in Buenos Aires
I wanted to cut the trip short
and return to NY asap.

But in Mendoza
I discovered
for the first time--
Love
Love for a woman--
Friendship
memories bottled up inside.
I unlocked the sadness I always
felt but never could explain--
it was there
the bond to a homeland
is indescribable.
You just feel it.

Being uprooted
was painful
but returning was sweet
and
necessary
and
inevitable.

it was unfortunate
to have my grandfather die
in order for me (us)
to have that revelation
that comeuppance
that awakening.

And it has not been
perfect along the way--
there has been
heartbreak
sadness
disappointment
as is natural--

But the essence of all
that has been good
up until today
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
will always be linked
to January 6, 1988

the day
a special person died
was the day I became alive.